application interlude: making the case for positivity
I had a startling revelation last night while cooking dinner: I am miserable. Applications are making me miserable. The thought of applying and not making it into a program makes me miserable. Just the mere thought of my statements makes me – you guessed it – miserable. Granted, the admissions process is not an easy one, and it’s not supposed to be. But I’d be lying if I said it’s easy to stay optimistic.
I was optimistic last round and got my heart broken. I’m not an optimist now – I’m a realist. And let me tell you, being a realist kinda sucks. I’m having trouble seeing the positive possibilities that could accompany my future reality. So, does that make me a pessimist?
Holy smokes! I do NOT want to be a pessimist. Now, I pride myself on encouraging the experience of all emotions, not just positive ones. In fact, phrases like “Positive Vibes Only” drive me up the freakin’ wall. Let us feel our feelings, people. But I’m finding myself drifting dangerously close to the opposite end of the spectrum: Negative Vibes Only. Yup, I am a certified Debbie Downer these days, and I am tired of hearing my own negativity.
In the middle of slicing mushrooms for the chicken stroganoff I was making, I put the knife down, and frantically searched for a meditation. Not just any meditation, but a “goal setting visualization” meditation. Meditation is notoriously difficult for me, so I didn’t place any restrictions on myself. I listened and participated while making dinner, and that was okay. I was determined to reconnect to my goals in a way that felt good.
The meditation started by asking the listener to visualize a major goal. Mine started as just gaining admittance to a program, any program! But then I sat with the idea of a goal a bit more. Ideally, I won’t just be admitted to a program – I’ll be admitted to a program that is as close to a perfect fit as I can find. I’ll have a mentor that supports me and sees my value. The lab and program culture will be welcoming and warm and encouraging. I let myself expand my goal little by little, exploring it’s potential.
The second part of the meditation asked the listener to envision themselves achieving this goal. What would it look like? What would it feel like? I knew for me, while the celebration would be an important part of the process, gaining admittance to a program is really just the continuation of my current career path. Gaining admittance would be confirmation that my potential isn’t just something I made up in my head – others see it, too. I pictured myself telling my husband when he got home from work. I pictured calling my mom and hearing her excitement spill out over the speaker. I pictured sharing the news with my grandparents and experiencing their pride and joy. These are the people that have supported my educational and scientific growth, and the opportunity to share this moment with them will be invaluable.
The third part of the meditation was the most enlightening for me – it asked the listener to project way into the future. Picture yourself on a front porch with your family in a rocking chair, telling the story about how achieving this goal changed your life. My brain first went to all the achievements I could tell them about – all the degrees I’ve earned, prestigious awards I would hopefully get, countless articles published in high-impact journals, all that fancy stuff. But then I had a moment of clarity…those aren’t actually the reasons I want to achieve this goal. My motivation exists way beyond accolades and achievements. The real reason I want to enroll in a PhD program is so I can help families become more successful after trauma and during stress. I want to fundamentally shift the way we approach parenting support. I want to watch entire communities change for the better. I want to see trajectories move towards health and wellness for those who were previously hopeless. Those are the types of stories I want to revel in when I’m in my rocking chair. And while a PhD will help me get there, I also have to remind myself that it is a means to an end – it isn’t the whole story.
I’m not going to lie to you and say this 12-minute meditation completely shifted my mindset. I’m still going to struggle. Turning to my statements the next morning was still a little painful, but I’m working to see the beauty in this process, and the strength I’m building through all of the hard work it takes to apply. I’m learning more about myself each day, and I’m becoming a better scientist and future graduate student because of it.
I think many applicants (myself included) can feel like the misery is a right of passage. If we aren’t miserable, are we really applying to graduate school? I’m starting to see that it doesn’t have to be that way. Perhaps we could instead find pockets of positivity, and recognize that while this is a big deal, it doesn’t have to define us. Admissions are so precarious, so unpredictable, that even the best applicants might not find a spot. It would hurt to not be accepted, but I’m learning to separate that from my self-worth. Admissions season is going to come and go whether we are miserable or not – why not choose positivity instead?
My challenge to you all is to reflect on your own emotional state. How are you doing, really? How much has the stress of application season weighed on your mind, body, and soul? Stress comes with the process, but it doesn’t have to be the process. Remember why you are doing this.
I recommend walking yourself through your own mini goal-setting meditation.
Visualize your goal.
Imagine achieving that goal.
Think about your “rocking chair moment”. How will you reflect upon your life after living this achieved goal?
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Dig a little deeper, and stay a little longer in those answers.
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I hope in doing so, the weight of the application process becomes lighter.